what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
