I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
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