TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
