So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
