I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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