if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
