Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
