God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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