i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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