I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
