WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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