Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
