doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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