He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
