so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
