you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
