if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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