You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
