Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
