I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
