I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
