Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
