i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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