I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
