Do you still have your period?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
