The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
