Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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