Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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