Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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