oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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