Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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