i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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