so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
