just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
