Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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