Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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