I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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