It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
