You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
