She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
