i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
