I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
