i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
