Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
