Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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