i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Randomize
