god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
