Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
