We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
