I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
